Organisational communication training: wanker alert
So, have spent all of today at complete and utter pointless wank fest of training day for "communications professionals". The name alone should have been a heads up to having to spend the day with complete cocks who were going to talk in bellicose metaphors about taking charge of organisational culture and working together to create a better world.
However, because I'm clearly not that bright, and the day meant I didn't have to commute to the suburban hell of my office somewhere slightly south of the hebrides, I signed up. And turned up.
Admittedly I turned up in jeans, tunic and docs, no makeup and wet hair - at least it was obvious that i'd showered, but the rest of the participants were wearing business suits and looking like this was another day in the office. Cultural life lesson #2875. The Brits take their training seriously.
My experience of training days has previously been the former boss teletubby organising full days of bonding, where human knots, bouncing balls, i-messaging and sharing our success all featured heavily. I was chastised for not leading by example during one "lesson in negotiation" where I gave my counter part all my jelly beans. The exercise was vaguely that I had to negotiate all his green jelly beans away from him in exchange for all my red ones. I don't like jelly beans. So I gave them all to him. Win win. Surely this is the point of negotiations? Both parties walking away from the negotiations feeling that nothing was lost and all was gained. But no, the point of negotiations if you're working for an idiot is all about candy.
However, I digress - back to today. So I turn up, collect my name tag, promptly put it in a place where someone has to either pervily stare at my crotch to read it or ask me my name verbally, and note that one of the participants is the guy who was doing the job I'm currently in. Former guy who left me with the phone list and a print out of his calendar as his hand over notes about what he'd learned/put in place/achieved during his years with the organisation. Over the last 6 months I have slowly but surely come to the conclusion that should I ever meet former guy that one of us would end up in tears, and I don't think it will be me.
I actually clap out loud at the realisation of meeting former guy. The guy at the registration table mistakes this as enthusiasm for me attending the training. Whatever...
So, I send text to a guy I work with, who seems to have a fairly healthy disdain for former guy, advising him of my luck and ask for vague description so that I can hunt former guy down.
We settle on insipid, pasty chinless guy with the look of "lives with mum" about him and a cheesy nervous smile. I scan the room (approx 100 people in attendance) and sadly 60% of them fit the bill. Seriously! Every single guy in the room looks like Mr Garrison. This could be harder than I think...
I settle in to not listen to the first speaker, scanning the room for the guy who most looks like Mr Garrison. I decide on a guy sitting on the opposite side of the room to me who also looks like a rat. I plan to sidle up to rat man at the break, check out his name tag and if former guy will spark up a conversation. I can be personable and unless he pervily checks out my crotch, he won't know who I am. So I have first move advantage.
First session ends and we have to move into "energy clusters" (that can't be good) for the next session. This requires me to pick up my bag/book/phone and move. Already I dislike the presenters for making me do this. One is a short baldy bloke, with a noticeably absent chin and thin lips, the other had clearly seen Paul McKenna and liked what he saw - so he was the 'animated pacing the room, punching the air presenter', who talking about energising our reputations with market research.
Enormously bored with the second session, baldy bloke lost my interest within seconds, I decide to have some fun and stare at baldy bloke... as I was sitting in the front row (so literally 2 metres from his microphone) he seemed to get nervous by this. (This was a technique I perfected during chemistry in high school - if you stare slightly into the middle distance you can stare without blinking for about 2.5 minutes, which disconcerts people...) About half way through baldy bloke's monotone polemic, I noticed their logo on the powerpoint. Badly bloke and Paul McKenna wanna be were from the same company as former guy. Baldy bloke and Paul McKenna wanna be are his bosses, it would seem.
I pay attention now. I am curious to know what kind of people would want to employ former guy, as clearly former guy is an idiot. And then my question is answered.
Paul McKenna wanna be drops into his presentation that there is no obvious panacea to the myriad communciations issues presented across my sector. Indeed, and I quote:
"You can't just sprinkle fairy dust around and expect things to change."
No shit, Sherlock.
But there you have it - in case you're a communications professional looking to find an easy answer to cultural change or change management, maybe avoid fairy dust. Or at least avoid sprinkling it.
Wanker.
However, because I'm clearly not that bright, and the day meant I didn't have to commute to the suburban hell of my office somewhere slightly south of the hebrides, I signed up. And turned up.
Admittedly I turned up in jeans, tunic and docs, no makeup and wet hair - at least it was obvious that i'd showered, but the rest of the participants were wearing business suits and looking like this was another day in the office. Cultural life lesson #2875. The Brits take their training seriously.
My experience of training days has previously been the former boss teletubby organising full days of bonding, where human knots, bouncing balls, i-messaging and sharing our success all featured heavily. I was chastised for not leading by example during one "lesson in negotiation" where I gave my counter part all my jelly beans. The exercise was vaguely that I had to negotiate all his green jelly beans away from him in exchange for all my red ones. I don't like jelly beans. So I gave them all to him. Win win. Surely this is the point of negotiations? Both parties walking away from the negotiations feeling that nothing was lost and all was gained. But no, the point of negotiations if you're working for an idiot is all about candy.
However, I digress - back to today. So I turn up, collect my name tag, promptly put it in a place where someone has to either pervily stare at my crotch to read it or ask me my name verbally, and note that one of the participants is the guy who was doing the job I'm currently in. Former guy who left me with the phone list and a print out of his calendar as his hand over notes about what he'd learned/put in place/achieved during his years with the organisation. Over the last 6 months I have slowly but surely come to the conclusion that should I ever meet former guy that one of us would end up in tears, and I don't think it will be me.
I actually clap out loud at the realisation of meeting former guy. The guy at the registration table mistakes this as enthusiasm for me attending the training. Whatever...
So, I send text to a guy I work with, who seems to have a fairly healthy disdain for former guy, advising him of my luck and ask for vague description so that I can hunt former guy down.
We settle on insipid, pasty chinless guy with the look of "lives with mum" about him and a cheesy nervous smile. I scan the room (approx 100 people in attendance) and sadly 60% of them fit the bill. Seriously! Every single guy in the room looks like Mr Garrison. This could be harder than I think...
I settle in to not listen to the first speaker, scanning the room for the guy who most looks like Mr Garrison. I decide on a guy sitting on the opposite side of the room to me who also looks like a rat. I plan to sidle up to rat man at the break, check out his name tag and if former guy will spark up a conversation. I can be personable and unless he pervily checks out my crotch, he won't know who I am. So I have first move advantage.
First session ends and we have to move into "energy clusters" (that can't be good) for the next session. This requires me to pick up my bag/book/phone and move. Already I dislike the presenters for making me do this. One is a short baldy bloke, with a noticeably absent chin and thin lips, the other had clearly seen Paul McKenna and liked what he saw - so he was the 'animated pacing the room, punching the air presenter', who talking about energising our reputations with market research.
Enormously bored with the second session, baldy bloke lost my interest within seconds, I decide to have some fun and stare at baldy bloke... as I was sitting in the front row (so literally 2 metres from his microphone) he seemed to get nervous by this. (This was a technique I perfected during chemistry in high school - if you stare slightly into the middle distance you can stare without blinking for about 2.5 minutes, which disconcerts people...) About half way through baldy bloke's monotone polemic, I noticed their logo on the powerpoint. Badly bloke and Paul McKenna wanna be were from the same company as former guy. Baldy bloke and Paul McKenna wanna be are his bosses, it would seem.
I pay attention now. I am curious to know what kind of people would want to employ former guy, as clearly former guy is an idiot. And then my question is answered.
Paul McKenna wanna be drops into his presentation that there is no obvious panacea to the myriad communciations issues presented across my sector. Indeed, and I quote:
"You can't just sprinkle fairy dust around and expect things to change."
No shit, Sherlock.
But there you have it - in case you're a communications professional looking to find an easy answer to cultural change or change management, maybe avoid fairy dust. Or at least avoid sprinkling it.
Wanker.
Did you meet former guy?
Consumption Malfunction
Equal and Opposite
Arses and Elbows
Footy Power
Loved the whole lot, actually.
Great read.
Yellow Brick Road
WTF is a "blues skies idea shower". It sounds like some kind of specialist porn channel that Paris Hilton would star in.