Things I have learned that my mother did not teach me
I learned the hard way several years ago: never engage the services of an electrician who measures things with only a hand span. Rough measurements and brick drills do not a happy marriage make.
Any person who says “trust me” is as trustworthy as thalidomide to a pregnant woman.
Never give yourself a French manicure after a night on the lash. You may think you were sober; tomorrow your finger nails will alert you and your colleagues to the fact that you were not.
A diet of Doritos and a bottle of wine is acceptable only once a week. If it is happening more regularly, move to some kind of daiquiri for your daily fruit content.
If you have to ask your partner if you dress is too short, it is.
If you get offered a lift home by some random while walking to work, you are not dressed appropriately for the office.
If you are a temp and your colleagues want to whinge about the boss, just agree.
If you are new to a job and one of your female colleagues has unusually large wrists, do not discuss the movie Transamerica.
Any conversation is immediately made easier by premising it with “here’s the thing…”
Children know when people are not child friendly. Take a gift to confuse them.
You cannot boil an egg in the microwave.
Your real mates are the ones you can call at 3am, shitfaced, from any country and they will not hang up on you.
If your shoes hurt while you’re walking to the front door of your home, no amount of tequila will make them comfortable later on.
If you need to pee before you leave the pub, that will not miraculously evaporate when you get in the cab/tube/train/bus.
Any shoes from Office will make you look like a chav/bogan.
Do not tell new colleagues your favourite movie is Team America unless they appear to be amenable to puppet-shagging.
Do not tell your friend that her “last chance boyfriend” is about appealing as morning sickness, no matter how drunk you are or how honest she has asked you to be.
There are no stupid questions (other than how much is that $20 t-shirt?)
Overwaxing your eyebrows doesn’t make you look younger –it makes you look permanently surprised.
Karma does exist, and has about a 12 month turn around.
Your plans to go out the night before and pack the morning of your flight will result in you arriving in your destination with things like fishing wire, flares and the complete works of Shakespeare but only one change of underwear for your 3 week journey.
Don’t burn bridges, use napalm.
The Cat Empire makes everything better, no matter the circumstance.
Any person who says “trust me” is as trustworthy as thalidomide to a pregnant woman.
Never give yourself a French manicure after a night on the lash. You may think you were sober; tomorrow your finger nails will alert you and your colleagues to the fact that you were not.
A diet of Doritos and a bottle of wine is acceptable only once a week. If it is happening more regularly, move to some kind of daiquiri for your daily fruit content.
If you have to ask your partner if you dress is too short, it is.
If you get offered a lift home by some random while walking to work, you are not dressed appropriately for the office.
If you are a temp and your colleagues want to whinge about the boss, just agree.
If you are new to a job and one of your female colleagues has unusually large wrists, do not discuss the movie Transamerica.
Any conversation is immediately made easier by premising it with “here’s the thing…”
Children know when people are not child friendly. Take a gift to confuse them.
You cannot boil an egg in the microwave.
Your real mates are the ones you can call at 3am, shitfaced, from any country and they will not hang up on you.
If your shoes hurt while you’re walking to the front door of your home, no amount of tequila will make them comfortable later on.
If you need to pee before you leave the pub, that will not miraculously evaporate when you get in the cab/tube/train/bus.
Any shoes from Office will make you look like a chav/bogan.
Do not tell new colleagues your favourite movie is Team America unless they appear to be amenable to puppet-shagging.
Do not tell your friend that her “last chance boyfriend” is about appealing as morning sickness, no matter how drunk you are or how honest she has asked you to be.
There are no stupid questions (other than how much is that $20 t-shirt?)
Overwaxing your eyebrows doesn’t make you look younger –it makes you look permanently surprised.
Karma does exist, and has about a 12 month turn around.
Your plans to go out the night before and pack the morning of your flight will result in you arriving in your destination with things like fishing wire, flares and the complete works of Shakespeare but only one change of underwear for your 3 week journey.
Don’t burn bridges, use napalm.
The Cat Empire makes everything better, no matter the circumstance.
